NBA Playoff Checkup: The Doctor Is In
April 21st, 2011Dr. Wiley is not a medical doctor. Dr. Wiley does not sugar coat his diagnoses. Dr. Wiley refers to himself in the third person because Dr. Wiley imagines that's how hot-shot surgeons show off to their nurses. Dr. Wiley sneaks lolly-pops when the nurses aren't looking.
He also has the solution for every struggling playoff team, and it's not an apple a day. Dwight Howard eats a whole orchard for breakfast. Chris Paul has trouble fitting them in his mouth. It's not as simple as vitamin C.
Here's a quick overview of each series before we get to doctoring:
Spurs 1 - Grizzlies 1
Lakers 1 - Hornets 1
Mavericks 2 - Trail Blazers 0
Thunder 2 - Nuggets 0
Bulls 2 - Pacers 0
Heat 2 - 76ers 0
Celtics 2 - Knicks 0
Magic 1 - Hawks 1
Diagnoses
Spurs: Manu Ginobilitis
Manu missed the Spurs' first game with an elbow injury, and it showed. In their win last night, Manu scored 17 points, 7 rebounds, 4 assists, and 4 steals. The Grizzlies' Shane Battier said, "Manu is Manu. He could be in a body cast and he would still make plays." The sign of a true gaucho: a bionic arm.
Lakers: Aging Kobe and Silly Pau
Remedy: 4 Flinstones-shaped vitamins. 3 for Pau, 1 for Kobe. In their win last night, Kobe was 3-12 and Gasol 2-10. Gasol kept tossing up wild shots and Kobe missed some layups that a young Kobe would have dunked into oblivion. Fortunately, in their absence, Bynum scored 17, Odom 16, and Artest 15. That won't happen again.
Nuggets: Avian Big Bird Flu
Also known as Kevin Durant. Although, Westbrook's impact shouldn't be overlooked. The two combined for 44 points in their win last night. With 9 minutes left in the 2nd quarter, the Thunder were up by 26 points (44-17). The Nuggets just don't have the talent to compete. The Thunder are no longer a sleeper for the Championship.
Trail Blazers: Dirk Chocolate Overdose
Most women will tell you it's good for you. Not true if it comes in a 7'0" German, bearded wrapper. Dirk scored 33 points in their second win, 14 of which came in the 4th quarter. We may have underestimated the Mavs. On the other hand, the last time they started a series 2-0 was the 2006 Finals and we all know how that ended.
Next week, I will focus on the Eastern Conference, whose ailments are beyond my expertise. The Bulls are too strong for the surprisingly persistent Pacers. The Sixers and Knicks are similarly outmatched. And the Hawks-Magic series could go either way even though Dwight Howard has scored 46 and 33 with 19 rebounds a piece.
By: Wiley Birkhofer
